Don't look up, just let them think:

Fri, 30 May 2008 05:49:11 GMT

i'm moving to epiclovesong. and i'll probably delete this journal in a few days. since my computer is really shitty right now, i got hacked and then this creepy coke head found my journal and i would like to avoid him.. soo..yeah, moving.

Catch my disease.

Thu, 29 May 2008 09:29:51 GMT

I'm still having trouble sleeping. I've tried everything. I'm exhausted right now and just can't sleep. I don't even know why. I tried listening to all the instrumental music that was on my iPod tonight, which consisted of two songs from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and a song that I heard on Veronica Mars. So with three songs on repeat, that didn't really do much for me. I'm thinking about buy one of those "classical music for sleep" cds in the morning. Or later today I should say, since it's almost 2:30am. This is so ridiculous. I have a feeling it's starting to worry Michael too. He woke up three times tonight already. Once when I put my journal away and started reading a book written by my sister's friend, once when I turned out the light and then immediately turned it back on the fish for my iPod in my bag, and then right now when I got out of the bed and went to the kitchen where I store my laptop on the breakfast table. He has been texting me while he's at working asking when I went to bed, how I slept and when I woke up. It's cute, but I don't want him to be worried about my sleeping patterns. The thing is it's not because I'm sleeping with him. I've been sleeping with him for three months and this started like two weeks ago. It's unbearable. I can't stand it. I'm rambling now. I don't even really know if this makes any sense acutally.

I'm going to look for funny icons now...yes, that's how I'm going to spend my time. Goodie.

You know the truth, that's all that matters.

Wed, 21 May 2008 01:55:04 GMT

Stolen from enderswrath

Opening Credits: I Must Be High - Wilco
Oh Jesus, this is starting out good already.
Your Birth: Hoodoo - Muse

Waking Up: Homewrecker - Hellogoodbye
That's how I like to start my day.
First Day of School: Evolution - Unwritten Law

First Kiss: A Day To Be Alone - One Less Reason
Doesn't sound very first kiss-esque.
Losing Your Virginity: Divine Intervention - Taking Back Sunday.

Falling in Love: Candlelight - Imogen Heap

Gratuitous Sex Scene: Let It Be - The Beatles

Fight Song: Play - Flunk

Breaking Up: The Game - Jurassic 5
Love is just a game.
Prom: I'll Do Anything - Jason Mraz
...to get laid.
Life: No Quarter - Led Zeppelin
Haha, I do have no money.
Mental Breakdown: When I Grow Up - Garbage
How appropriate.
Driving: Velouria - Pixies

Training Montage: Fences - Paramore
I'm training to become insane. Rawk out!
Flashback: How Is It Going To End? - Daphne Loves Derby
Hmmm...must be a pretty intense flashback.
Death of a Relative: These Walls - Trapt
Again with the "I'm going barking mad" motif.
Getting Back Together: Great Indoors - John Mayer
Dear God, how I love John.
Wedding: Honey - Mary's Song (Oh My My My) - Taylor Swift

Birth of Child: Love Me Do - The Beatles
My child was brought into the world the right fucking way!
Final Battle: Something - The Beatles
Was I in love with the person I'm battling?
Death Scene: Take A Bow - Muse

Funeral Song: This Velvet Glove - Red Hot Chili Peppers

End Credits: Clear The Area - Imogen Heap

Coin operated boy.

Mon, 19 May 2008 21:26:23 GMT

1) What was the last conversation you had with your best friend about?
Umm...jesus, I haven't talked to them at all today. Deanna just commented on my myspace about her profile song. Does that count?

2) Are you missing someone right now?
Yes, but he'll be home in like three hours.

3) Where would you be if you could go anywhere right now?
Some place that I've never been before. Like somewhere in Europe or Australia.

4) Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?
Nope.

5) Last person to text you?
Tyler. And yes Joe, that Tyler.

6) Is there any meaning behind your profile song?
I like Tristan Prettyman?

7) Do you believe what comes around goes around?
Karma baby. Live it. Love it.

8) Is your best friend pretty/handsome?
All of my best friends are fucking hot as hell.

9) Do you trust people easily?
Yes.

10) Whats the one thing that always gets you through the day?
My boyfriend.

11) Do you give out second chances easily?
Pathetically. I have trouble saying no sometimes.

12) Do you like hugs or do you freak when people hug you?
I love hugs.

13) When was the last time you went out?
Jesus. Friday night with Ashley.

14) Who made you smile today?
My boyfriend.

15) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
No.

16) What does your last text message say?
"Good" From Michael.

17) Most missed friend?
Lauren, Joe, and Deanna.

18) What was the last item you bought?
Food?

19) What is your 5 year plan?
Live life the way I want to fucking live.

20) How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
If I do have kids, later in life, but not so old I'm like my parents.

21) Are you where you thought you would be at this point in your life?
I'm definately at a different place then I thought I would be.

22) What’s the color of you’re shirt you are wearing?
Black.

23) Has anyone ever told you they’re in love with you?
Yeah.

24) What's the car of your dreams?
Something I can afford.

25) How did your day start off?
With me looking at the clock and going "Noon."

26) Can you handle the truth?
Usually.

27) What's most stressing right now?
My headache and money issues.

28) Who was the last person you vented out to?
Michael.

29) How different are you from three years ago?
Extremely.

30) Have you ever cried and didn't know why?
Oh yeah.

31) Have you ever had a pet fish?
Yeah, named Fish.

32) Pretend you've had 15 beers or a lot of shots what would you be doing?
Hanging over a porcelian god.

33) How do you feel today?
Lazy.

Boy, oh boy.

Mon, 19 May 2008 21:09:03 GMT

I've been having trouble sleeping lately. It's a recent problem, something that's only come up in the past week. But, it's something that's bothering me. For some reason I can't turn off my mind once the lights go out. I look over at Michael sleeping soundly and I actually get jealous of the fact that he is able to sleep. It's almost as if he has nothing to think about or his exhaustion is just too much for his body to handle. Either way, he is able to sleep and I am not.

I find myself having too much to think about when I should be sleeping. I think about family issues, job issues, school issues, softball issues, issues about having too many issues. Just about anything you can think of, I've though of in the wee hours of the night. Of course, now that I really think about it everything has just been sort of coming together this week.

In the past week, I've quit playing softball. Something that was, to quote Gabby, my oxygen. And as much as I want to admit to myself that I'm not going to regret this decision, in truth, I know I am. How could I not? I've been playing the sport since I was nine years old. I've basically outcasted myself from most of the world because of it. In reality, I think that is the main reason that I'm quitting. I'm sick of not doing something because it's going to effect my playing. I'm sick not being able to concentrate on school or having a life because of softball. I'm just entirely sick of softball. Everything about it. I don't care if I 'm good at it or not, I'm sick of the outcome. Why play my heart out every day just to not even make it to the region playoffs in a region that we should have won hands down. It was pathetic and embarassing to be beat by a team of shit-talking freshman. And even more pathetic that the other teams in out region could pick up the slack that we left. So though I know that hanging up my cleats is quite possibly the hardest decision of my life, I know that it's going to make me happier. And nothing is more important than that. Right?